My Inner Propaganda

Every person that was pushed to great heights still has emotional drama. Am I losing my care for the emotional drama? Am I demonising emotion? Am I denying the value of what allows me to feel and experience the contrast? I believe I have been and this has been my inner propaganda.

How are we to see this World?

Sometimes I allow so much to annoy me. Why does it annoy me? Is it holding me in a state I do not want to be? Is it really?

Am I offended by people’s lack of courage to fight for justice?

Am I disappointed in people’s denial of their cruelty or their allegiance with the cruel?

Am I expecting people to be honest and to follow through on what they commit to?

What am I agitated about? Is it the absence of truth? What is the truth? That we are all the same and love is the answer?

What if this place is about the illusion that love is non-existent and each time we burst the illusion, this is the achievement? What if this place could not exist without contrast?

A world without bad? No sadness, no hate, no abuse. No fear or doubt. Remove it all and what do you get? Abundance, love, happiness and fun?

What do we do without contrast? Eat, travel and have adventure?

New food? Sweet and sour, salt and sugar. Crunch, smooth, cool and spicy. Balancing the texture. Even food has its contrast.

New activities? New things to do? Entertainment, playing, receiving surprises, but where are the accomplishments? What are you giving? What value are you creating? What are you inventing? What absence of value are you restoring and fixing?

We are back to contrast; moving from a value-less state to a value rich state. Moving from a disconnection to a connection; restoring connections for the feeling of oneness; love.

We love to learn about each other and hearing our great stories. Are these stories interesting without triumph over hardship? Here we go again; more contrast.

Right now, as I write this, I am on the edge. Glass ceilings give you headaches. I am feeling it.

In a trance with emptiness. I feel a longing to understand, with no answer in sight, yet. I just tranced out the window and now I am back to this page.

I know I am done with being upset about things that won’t and don’t change.

What if I saw it for what it was and chose what I wanted to do about it without complaining, worrying and expressing intense judgement? I want to grow beyond the complaining, and I sense this is what this glass ceiling is about for me.

Can I be human without being offended by the dark side?

Do I want to be human and willingly co-exist with the dark side?

Have I avoided truly understanding and embracing the purpose of the dark side?

Every person that was pushed to great heights still has emotional drama. Am I losing my care for the emotional drama? Am I demonising emotion? Am I denying the value of what allows me to feel and experience the contrast? I believe I have been and this has been my inner propaganda.

Beyond emotion, the reality is; I care most deeply for the child. The one that gets bombed in a senseless, propaganda infested war. I have witnessed the bombs and the dead girl. The execution of a father of my friends with the bloodstained courtyard and the smoky aroma of the empty shells that found their resting space upon the grooves of the pavers.  I have seen the propaganda of nations causing the genocide of flesh, souls and innocence.

Yet, the propaganda of nations plays second fiddle to the inner propaganda of the self. It is where war propaganda is created from. I can’t let my private propaganda stay.

This inner propaganda creates war in the body and mind, in our homes, onto the streets and beyond the borders. The silent war behind the door, also attacks the child, who mentally, emotionally and physically gets kicked around by a monster parent or stranger. I care for the child. I also care for the one who’s grossly neglected and turned into a narcissist and sociopath, only to pay it forward. Their heart’s desire was ruled out of the equation before they could begin to truly satisfy it.

How do I care and stay strong? Not feel down and frustrated? By remembering who that child really is – a child of forever. I can’t buy a “God” with one son, one people, personified with the threat of hell destined judgement.  I do buy a “God” that created contrast and the free will to dance in the contrast. Is this why contrast freely exists and persists?

I want to care and act to protect the defenceless child without the deep wounds it inflicts within me. I must preserve myself to be any good for that child. Does that child want me to hurt from their pain? Or do they want me to see the real them and help them see it too, in order to dissolve that pain?

I need a better window. A window where the contrast I see allows me to keep my inner peace. Where I feel free and connected meaningfully to this planet, with everyone in it. Where I can choose what I condone while understanding and accepting the purpose of the lost and fearful playing their treacherous part in the contrast.

I need to see the contrast as contrast. And surrender to the choices that create gold from lead. I need a window into the furnace of fear with my alchemist identity firmly in place.

I have the window because I am the observer. I am the lens shifter that can change what ‘is’ to what can ‘be’. That can move the landscape from dark to light, without the judgement or fear. I can discern and play. I can care without being drained. I can. I will. I am.

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