Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? WTF? Not me!? The mirror must be broken!
One way relationships are way too common, but interestingly enough they do take two to maintain them. What if this is an outcome of how you relate to yourself? What if being the fairest of them all must first reflect in being fair to yourself?
Are you frustrated, disillusioned and broken hearted over a partner that does not seem to give anywhere near as much as they expect and take from you? Have you tried many ways to balance the giving and receiving to no avail?
As a life coach, I get this issue a lot and I have had the unique privilege of being in a few one way relationships in my past. Even my wife would argue I have work to do and I reluctantly have to agree! I am seeing more of the common reasons as to why this happens and the fact that a common denominator is me.
It is important to acknowledge that just because a relationship feels like it is one way does not mean it really is. There may be a different value system around giving and showing love. One person may love to gift material things and do anything asked of them (me) while another may prefer to be thoughtful and affectionate. (my wife)
It’s possible that what your partner is doing for you is not making an impression because it’s not what you find valuable and vice versa. There’s no right or wrong in this, but it can be unfortunate to have misinterpreted someone as not caring for you and appearing selfish, when they genuinely do love you and think their efforts are being valued.
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages shows the categories that can differentiate how we tend to value and experience love: –
1. Words of Affirmation – “Do you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you?”
2. Acts of Services – “If your partner offers to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”
3. Affection – “A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”
4. Quality of Time – “About being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”
5. Gifts – “Taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”
From experience, I think the more we engage each other the more we build an authentic two way connection. This connection enhances our intuition for what each other want. My wife has been frustrated in the past with my lack of being intuitive to her needs even though I would do anything for her… after she asks! It is a dilemma when our ideology of love is skewed. I also want the magical intuitive connection of knowing what my partner wants but when I am not in the flow, servitude as a way of demonstrating my love becomes my default position. Does this happen to you too?
Perhaps we are on a journey of engaging through all 5 languages of loving each other. Call me greedy, but I want all of them! 🙂 However, how do we love another without giving those 5 things to ourselves? I clearly see it is a work in progress for myself and everyone I come in contact with as a client or friend.
Are you patient and compassionate with yourself? Do you accept your imperfections, feel worthy and loveable? I mean, really loveable!? Do you look in the mirror and like what you see because you recognise your state of being beyond the skin deep facade? Do you give these 5 love languages to yourself?
If yes, what is your relationship like with others? If not, what have been the consequences and are you ready to relook in that mirror and begin seeing what is really there?