I have been contemplating how I identify with myself and the image I hold habitually without even noticing anymore. I used to spend most of my energy holding an image I thought people would accept. While I have come a long way, it’s still a work in progress. Most of what we do stays hidden and it becomes an ongoing treasure hunt in getting to know yourself.
I used to be hyperconscious of my masculinity and feminine traits. Because I do have a soft demeanour in my style and I am a good communicator, people thought I was gay. Dressing well didn’t help! lol
So I went out of my way to push my personality to be more masculine. I did not want to behave in any way that was considered feminine. I was not gay then or am I now. That did not stop me wondering whether I was and that I had not realised it yet, given several people over the years thought I was. But no matter how I visualised it, my body refused the idea! So if I am gay, I am the last to know about it.
Anyway, I have been contemplating why I do seem to have a strong feminine side to me and here are my conclusions.
I am very sensitive. There I said it! And I used to be ashamed of that. My senses are so heightened, that odours, sounds and colours impact me. This sensitivity is commonly found in females so this explained why I tried to hide this trait of mine. While I was sensitive as a child to criticism because of my low self esteem challenges, it has now become an incredible gift. Combining high self esteem, confidence and sensitivity is indeed empowering and rewarding.
I am not aware of my gender when I engage people deeply. I literally don’t think of myself as man or woman. I now accept this and embrace it for the perspective and experience it gives me.
I love being a man. I love the masculine energy and embrace it, but I no longer feel I can keep hanging onto it or the feminine energy as part of my identity. Its as if I am enjoying being a man on every level but I am allowing myself to discover a state of being that transcends both. I am also learning to let my feminine energy be natural rather than suppressed. This is a work in progress because its so habitual. Writing this now is part of my effort to continue the progress.
I am becoming courageous. By virtue of writing this for the first time ever, I am realising that I am coming to deeper terms with honouring myself irrespective of people’s opinions, culture and society’s expectations.
I am not perfect and I am okay with that. I feel that I have arrived at a place within myself where I know I am loved. People criticising and judging has nothing to do with my worthiness. Feeling loved by the fabric of existence that eternally holds me together in a form I adore to the deepest depths of my being is a state I struggle to describe.
I have given myself full permission to love myself while I learn about how to be greater on a daily basis. I am finding it easier to accept rejection. I wish this feeling of inner security upon everyone.
Why am I sharing this with you? It feels incredible and whoever can relate to this, I would appreciate if you would consider sharing your journey. The more we share with our dear friends on the journey of deepening our connection with ourselves the more we can pave the path back into our true identity that exists beyond the labels of race, country of origin, gender, culture and personality traits. This is the foundation for love between us all.
I sense something is unfolding that is big and I can’t put my finger on it yet, but the mystery and adventure is welling up within me. What a life!