I am sorry for not loving you (Releasing the unspoken agreement formed by trauma)

I am sorry that I cannot give you love until you give me love first, consistently and intensely. I am sorry that I feel so vulnerable and therefore anxious, I must distrust you, second guess you and throw as many excuses at you, that my weary brain can envisage for the fear that what happened to me does not happen ever again.

I am sorry that my actions feed your vulnerability and therefore your anxiety. I am sorry that I use your defensiveness as evidence that you do not love me, can’t love me because love is beyond me.

I am hoping somehow despite my insistence that love is beyond me, you can break down my walls, even though I am loyal to those walls for the sake of my survival.

I am sorry that I am so compromised, the choice is my survival or love and I have no meaning without love but have no life without survival. And I made you represent what I can’t have and blamed you for not having it. So I fight to survive alone while I yearn for the intimate company that makes life worth living.

My trauma has delivered my purgatory. Where living is not worth it without love, but love is not possible without living, but like oil and water, neither of the two can ever mix. I can’t survive and thrive, because thriving is outside of my comfort zone. The one time I was carefree and thriving, I was stabbed with cruel judgement and abandonment. So, my brain learned that being carefree and trusting is a sure way to die.

There you have it. An exposé of yours truly. Wants you but is not programmed to have you. So, what is the opportunity? What must I do for love? Take a risk? Be willing to be abandoned by everyone as long as I never give up on love? What about understanding and undoing the cruel terms of the unspoken agreement formed by the trauma and finally being released from that agreement? These seem like logical choices to me. How about you?

I wrote this after an in-depth conversation with my wife about love, connection, the subtle sabotage and what is going on beneath the surface that could help us understand what we are doing for love and against it. I had then put music on and did a 30 min exercise session where I fell into a trance on the subject and above began to come to me. It felt amazing to see how the problem of disconnection is caused by both parties as the trauma and insecurity is hidden and unaddressed.

What I got from this process is that if you feel disconnected from someone, there is a good chance it is your trauma driving it and to be accountable to yourself is the closest you can get to loving yourself and then truly loving others more deeply and meaningfully.

It would be great to get your insights and thoughts from reading an apology from the authentic self, trapped in a traumatised version of being.